My Journal

At 46 years old, I had a shocking revelation. Not only had I NOT fully healed from my childhood abandonment issues, but I had built-in defense mechanisms that would not allow me to feel the sense of abandonment again!

While that last part sounds super bad*ss, it has its downfalls; superficial relationships, insecurities, emotional isolation, anxiety, and control issues to name a few.

Sounds peachy huh? These coping mechanisms, while keeping me “safe”, also kept me from feeling and experiencing life to its fullest.

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I see you. I watch you bite your tongue when you’re being verbally attacked. I’ve seen you choose grace and mercy when my first reaction would be to come out swinging. I wonder how you continue to be the light, day in and day out, in this crazy world. Where do you find the courage to continue fighting the good fight?

Like me, do you go to bed wondering…

Will my voice be heard among the chaos and confusion?

Does my small contribution make a difference?

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I’m not sure where we learn them all, the unspoken expectations we live and die by. Some are learned from family, others are spoken from the pulpit, screamed from billboards and media outlets. The expectations may seem daunting at first, even offensive at times, but somewhere along the way we tuck them inside and they become a part of our identity.

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I ran across this quote a few years ago, and in that moment I decided to actively pursue the life that I wanted instead of allowing life to just “happen” to me. I spent countless hours becoming more self-aware, analyzing my thoughts and behaviors. I began to create cozy spaces in my home and magical places in my garden. I started investing in relationships and became very intentional about who/what I allowed onto my calendar.

The process, full of it’s ups and downs, is well worth it! Here are a few tips to get you started on creating the life you want to live.

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Many of us have been thrown into a new way of life…one we didn’t ask for. The stress of quarantine, social distancing, and trying to work from home while teaching the children has us scrambling to find any sense of normalcy. Though I am far from an expert I thought I would share a few ideas that have worked for me over the years.

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How are you doing? Everyone else aside…are you taking care of you? Are you losing yourself? Finding yourself? I have struggled with anxiety and SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) for years and I’ve heard from a few of you that are struggling with this crazy season we are in as well. I thought I’d share a few things that have helped me deal with all of the big emotions I’ve been feeling.

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At least one morning a week I wake up in a full panic attack, grasping at anything I can get my hands on to pull me back to reality. The nightmares that shake me to my core usually revolve around my past, reliving moments that I have chosen to forget or have buried deep in the folds of my innermost being, only to be uncloaked with my dearest of friends.

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I was 19 years young at the time and I was sure that I had seen, experienced, or at least mentally conquered everything this side of heaven. No mind that I had yet to be married, had no children, and still lived in the same county I was born in. As my sister tells it, I used to walk around saying, “I’m Melissa the great!” Can you even imagine?! Bless my heart; Given the chance, I would go back a few decades and take my younger self into the alley to teach her a lesson on humility!

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And yet, this year is a STRUGGLE! The holidays have always been tough for me so I put on a happy face and run to the finish line. But not this time, I can’t make myself do it. I refuse to put on a fake smile and go through the motions just praying for the season to end. Instead of stuffing down all of the sadness and unrest, I am choosing to sit in the muck and sort it out. 

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