Tiffany's Story: Freedom to Live Again
For[give]ness.
Easy, right?! Nope. I found that out the hard way. And I’m so grateful for that difficult journey! You know how we take things for granted sometimes? Like, flipping on a light switch….until the power goes out that one time. Or, taking a nice hot shower…until the water heater breaks! Or, throwing a load of laundry in the washing machine…until the washer breaks, or worse it floods the first floor...and after a round of the stomach bug. Or, how about the wonderful man that makes your heart skip a beat with his charming smile, and you can’t imagine life without him…until you’ve been married eight years, have two young kids, and barely know how to communicate with each other? The distance between you two has become palpable–like a murky, eerie swamp. You can’t quite figure out how it came to this, but it happened somewhere between dirty diapers, a second shift job, and unrealistic expectations. You find yourself at this crossroads–and by “you” I mean “me.”
Okay, so here’s my story...well, a revised, quick edition of my for[give]ness story anyway. During this time, our family was comprised of a 2-year-old with major separation anxiety and a healthy set of lungs, and a 5-year-old with sudden health issues. Fun! In the midst of this chaotic and “kids extremely dependent on mom” phase, I found out through the sour grapevine that my hubby was recently involved in certain bachelor party shenanigans that he failed to disclose to me. In a quick blur, I lost trust in the one person that I trusted most. What happened to that fairytale, romance novel marriage that has been predicted by each Disney movie since childhood? I became a pitiful mess of self-doubt, self-insecurity, depression, bitterness, confusion, anxiety, hate, and fear. I could hardly stand to be in the same room as my husband, and after several weeks of no eye contact, sleepless nights alone on the couch, an extra glass of wine to take the edge off after the kids went to bed, and playing the blame game against the “love of my life” for causing this bitterness in my soul–I finally came to a realization. Of course this was after my hubby said that if I was this miserable I should just leave. Um, what?!?! I did not cause this mess–why should I leave??
Then it occurred to me, I had to get off my self-sorrow train and DO something to save our marriage. It also occurred to me that I couldn’t do anything…I needed help. So I knelt down on our back patio that night and cried. It was so dark outside. I prayed like I had never prayed before. I told God that I was done, I just couldn’t do it, I was exhausted…and I needed Him to save me and to save my marriage. I prayed that my heart would be filled with Christ’s love for my husband. I prayed that I would be given the strength to forgive my husband and that our marriage would be restored. And I am so thankful that God has fulfilled each request. He picked me up, dusted me off, softened my heavy heart, and rescued me. He showered me with love and grace and encouraged me to eventually give that same love and grace to my husband.
It wasn’t easy. I learned that forgiveness takes a LOT of giving! It’s still a process. I have to give my burdens to God every day. I have to give up my pride and seek help. I have to give my broken pieces to friends and family. I have to give my time to rebuilding our marriage. I must give my insecurities and self-pity away. I must give my heart to God to refill and restore–daily–so that I can give His love to my husband. I also have to give myself permission to receive love and guidance from friends, from God, from family, and from myself. And through this, I realized that God placed the perfect people in my life every step of the way. I slowly began to open up to the possibility of restoration, reconciliation, and ultimately for[give]ness. I have to humbly admit my struggles and strive to overcome them every day.
Throughout this healing process of forgiveness, I have been set free. Free to love my hubby, free to love myself, free to be the unique masterpiece that I was created to be. Our marriage has been restored, renewed, and rebuilt. My husband has grown into a pillar of morality and stability for our family. Our love has grown deeper. Our children are happy and healthy. My life is far from perfect (homework struggles, rather than dirty diapers now), but it’s become much easier to give love and grace–as it has been given to me. Instead of becoming filled with worry and fear, I am filled with peace. I have learned that just when I think I can’t make it through another moment and that I have nothing left to give, I just might find a little bit of for[give]ness and be set free... and by “I” I mean “me,” “you,” all of us.